I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
i think my cat just said my name.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
