i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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