I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize