Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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