I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
