I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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