I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
