I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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