Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
