im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
