we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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