my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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