Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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