Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
