I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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