I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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