Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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