The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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