Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Randomize