I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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