i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
