I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
