the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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