You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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