There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
