i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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