The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
this hospital has no fireball
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Panties = found
Randomize
