So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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