break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
