My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
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