Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
