You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
