I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
