Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
