She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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