you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I got inside last night via doggy door
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
