If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
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