ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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