hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
