Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
