so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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