Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
