I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
