I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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