Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I still have a little drunk in my system
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
