ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
