C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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