Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
