break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize