he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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