you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
