So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
