He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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