I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
