Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
