She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
