Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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