i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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