there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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