I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We don't watch enough power rangers
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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